We've all heard the time. An Oreo, someone that is told they have black skin but act like a white person. I always hated this term for many reasons. My first experience with racism was when I was in preschool and at the time, I had no clue. My parents tried to explain it to me but it didn't make sense. This girl in my class gathered all of the students onto the carpet while she sat on her high chair in front of the class with her long blonde hair and said, "If you have white hands, I can be your friend." I looked at my hand, one side was brown and one side was white so I said, "I have brown and white?" She said, "No, all of you must be white."
Then I became a competitive swimmer and I was basically always the 1 of 2 or 3 black people on the pool deck, I got used to this. At school, for some reason most of my friends were white and I honestly couldn't tell you why but it was because they were nice and we had the same interests. Then I finally made it to middle school when more hurtful comments started to set in. I was finally told I was too black for the white community but definitely too like the whites for the black community.
"She ain't black."
"Does she wish was white? Is that why she talks like that?"
"You write books? You fucking Oreo."
"Why you always choosen the white sports?"
"Do you actually identify as black?"
My mother is African American and fairly light skinned with a lot of different cultures on her side of the family: Cherokee, Shawnee, Blackfoot, African American, Irish, Scottish, and my aunt even married a native Hawaiian. Nevertheless, my mothers side is super open minded from Ohio where my father's side is from Georgia, darker skinned and I honestly don't know much of the history. My grandmother on my mothers side would talk about her experience with the KKK growing up, how they tried Lynching my great grandfather on several occasions. Even on the day he decided to marry my great grandmother who was lighter skinned but unfortunately no one knows her true roots because she was disowned when she told her parents she'd be marrying a black man. This action of being disowned goes back way further than just my great grandparents.
Then I made it to high school, things got a bit better except for that time I was followed around Macy's when I was shopping for my mother; my friends and I ended up leaving when we realised we were going to be followed every step of the way. Or the time, when I was 14, that I was looking at the jewellery in the grocery store and had the police called on me because I, 'put something shiny into my pocket.' It was a chain that I had gotten for my birthday a couple of months ago that was attached to my phone. Oh, and I was the only black girl there with her 5 white friends but I was the one being accused and talking to the police about the chain on my phone.
I was always that black girl on the swim team, that black girl in the honour and AP classes, that black girl with the curly hair because not having my hair straight was considered white. I had lots of friends of different backgrounds: Vietnamese, Indian, French, biracial, white, Native American, and black. As my friends continued dating I knew I had always been attracted to red headed and blonde men but had been taught that I would never be attractive enough for them. A few examples of a guy trying to compliment include:
"You're pretty for a black girl."
"You cute but you ain't white."
"I like you but I prefer white girls, they ain't crazy or bitchy."
"You look much better with your hair straight. Not the curly stuff. You should try to keep it like that."
But I won't forget to mention that I have white girl friends who dated black guys FOR YEARS in secret because their parents didn't approve of the relationship. This is incredibly common in the USA, they love to say, "You can be friends with black people but why would you want to date one? I mean, don't you want your kid to be cute? Why would you want a mixed kid?" These are same people that contribute to racism on a silent level.
They aren't out marching with the KKK or voting for Trump openly. They aren't calling blacks n*ggers in public or talking about the importance of keeping whites as white as possible. These are the people that had neighbours who were black that they went to barbecues with on the weekend. These are the same people that would invite me over when I got engaged to my white partner to congratulate me. These are the same people that have black 'friends' but dating is off the board. These are the same people that listen to black artists but don't have one single friend of colour. These are the same people that don't believe in white privilege but never have witnessed a white or black cop leaning on a white man's neck for nearly 9 minutes when he is saying he couldn't breathe because it doesn't exist in America.
Then came my first year of college that I can leave at the issues of boys holding the door for all of the white girls in front of me until I was next, they would quickly step in and slam in the door in my face. Or the white people that called me a n*gger on campus. Or my really lovely friend who was not racist invited me to her home country town but warned me that we should probably stay in her house since there are a lot of racists. Or people I would call my friends would say, "ugh but so many black people will be there. Oh but not you, I forget your black. You are basically white." Or when I was on crunches and came out of gas station bathroom when we were travelling south and all of the white women in there stopped speaking immediately, looked me up and down, stared at each other with absolute disgust, and left as quickly as they could.
In my second year, I went to visit a friend in her home city and when I was looking for a perfume for my mom I asked the woman that worked there and she said I would find it at a much cheaper store if I continued looking around. When I got in the car to tell my friends mom why I didn't get it she stated, "Aw she must've looked at you like a poor little ole black girl.'
In my head, I had basically accepted that no matter where I went in the world, I would be looked at as disgusting regardless of what my personality had said. Seeing only white women on TV, only seeing majority white barbie dolls growing up, constantly seeing all of my thin white friends on a pool deck that had a completely different upbringing, bodies, and look to my own. Hearing of the racism across Europe even gave me more doubts. I was called 'an oreo' and do you want to know why I hate this term so much?
1. The way I speak is because of the way I was raised. I speak properly and the way we speak is not dedicated to a particular race. Blacks have fought for us for decades to have access to good quality education.
2. I loved swimming because I LOVE TO THE WATER! Not because my skin colour dictates that I shouldn't. Like many African Americans, neither of my parents know how to swim. It was a privilege to get swimming lessons and to be able to be a competitive swimmer and I'm grateful that my mother supported me in a sport that made me happy. I also want to thank the African American swimmers that fought for the right for blacks to have the right to access swimming pools and to be able to swim competitively.
3. I love writing books because I am creative just like my relatives. An aunt who was a fashion designer & model, a grandmother that was an artist, and me, the writer. Blacks deserve to hold space in literature and creativity just as much as anyone else.
4. I wore my hair curly because I was a swimmer! I wasn't going to straighten my hair every single night and I find it hilarious that curly natural hair became popular after I had been made fun of by both the black & white community for years. Now, I still wear it because I love celebrating it's thickness & curliness.
5. My partner is white because I have been attracted to redheads since I was little, not because I want to be white. Period.
I'm a strong African American woman that didn't fully understand how racism still lived today until about a year ago I've had a lot to catch up on but I understand now, I understand the importance. When my black principle in middle school told me, "You were the only black kid who made it on the honours list. Remember, that is important." I understand now.
We must look at our history, we must look at how we address issues and break stigmas. It's a long road and for a while I didn't think we'd ever get there. But I look back, did my great great family members ever think there would be a day that we'd have a black president? Did they ever think that there would be a day that blacks could attend college? Did they ever think that some of the most famous artists such as Beyonce and Rihanna would be black? No, there is a lot of work to do and I used to be against protesting. Then I studied world politics and discovered how much of the system was created by white men to protect white men.
I'm done. We are done.
Thank you for every single person protesting and demanding justice for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Aubrey, and Regis Korinski-Paquet from Toronto. I am so sorry that you lost your life because our cultures have been too scared to talk about and address racism.
Xoxo,
MOONLI