The other day I created a post on Instagram talking about sexual abuse and sexual assault of women. 1 in 4 women have or will experience some type of sexual assault in their lifetime. Or in the United States, someone is sexually assaulted every 90 seconds (RANN). It's a heart breaking statistic that I fear is continuing to grow.
I will tell my brief story of my experience with my personal sexual abuse and heads up, here is your trigger warning that talks about my PTSD.
The memories didn't resurface until I was 21 years old. I had just become sexually active and slowly things started to trigger me. It started with shopping for bikinis online caused me to go into panic, these nightmares of women trying to touch me which turned into me becoming terrified every night to go to sleep, to being terrified of everyone in my classes, at work and at home. I was terrified all the time and I couldn't figure out why. I knew something was going on and that I would sometimes have these flashbacks throughout these panics to something that happened when I was a kid. This went on for about 9 months before I told my partner and at this point, I didn't consider it abuse. I considered it something that a friend forced me to do and I couldn't figure out why I did. It wasn't until almost a year after the nightmares kept continuing to grow and grow that I finally realised that there was a definition behind what happened. Sexual abuse by a minor, sexual abuse by someone at that age I thought was a friend. I let these nightmares take over my life for a long time, I wouldn't hangout with friends, I was scared of going to yoga, I was scared of going to class, and I was more than terrified of falling asleep. Falling asleep, being intimate and being genuinely hugged had equaled a shot to head for me. Finally, I moved to Boulder in April 2018, had my first panic attacked in June, I finally told the first health professional what had happened. He told me it was time for therapy and that was what I did.
I still have struggles today and I still need therapy to be completely honest but I find that non-traditional therapy works for me. Therapies that have a holistic outlook are ones that touch my soul: yoga based therapy or EMDR. I love a therapy where I feel in control and that my soul is taken into account with my mind. It's an entirely empowering feeling as I sit here and tear up writing this.
But today, the 26 July 2019, I can firmly and confidently say that I finally like my body and my vagina belong to me. Yes, being diagnosed with endometriosis and standing my ground in other parts of my life led me to this but overcoming my shame and guilt of my abuse brought an immense amount of courage to my soul.
I don't know what any of you have been through or are going through but I will say, there is definitely help. It often feels like there isn't and trust me, I know that feeling! I used to say to myself, what could therapy possibly do? I can handle this myself. It may not be therapy for you but when you are waking up feeling so numb and alone, there is someone that cares! The memories may last forever but the pain will eventually go away and you will be okay.
Here are hotlines that I would recommend calling or reaching out to if you are struggling:
1. RAINN- For ladies in the USA
2. 1800 Respect- For ladies in Australia
3. There are a variety of resources in NZ based on the area your in and I would refer to the Rape Crisis New Zealand Website
Please, remember you are not alone. Truly, I love seeing women come together and take their voices back, take their bodies into their own hands and start standing up against systems that are ignoring what is happening all over the world. I know we can continue to do this together!
Xoxo,
Moonli
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